Kidnapped!

No, not me. My friend João, a few years ago. He's the only person I know who's been kidnapped, although many co-workers have been robbed, sometimes at gunpoint.

It was 3 a.m. and he was driving in his Mom's expensive car, sporting a nice suit because he'd come from a friend's formal party. At a red light, two guys reached through the rolled down windows, opened the door and ordered him to the backseat. They demanded all his money, but they chose the wrong guy at the wrong time.

João's wallet consisted of two reais (about $1.00) and two bus tickets worth 75 cents each. His credit card wasn't on him. They actually pocketed the 2 reais and bus tickets (did they end up using them?) and asked for access to his bank account. He said he only had 80 reais - around 45 dollars - in the account. The thieves wouldn't accept that a guy that was dressed so well and driving a fancy car could have such a meager balance. They also couldn't believe that João didn't have a cell phone - for God's sake, this was 2003.

They threatened to beat him up if he didn't give everything he had, so he offered his quality leather shoes. "Those aren't even nice!" one of them laughed. They wanted tennis shoes, which are expensive in Brazil. Instead, they stole his watch, a cheap Swatch one that replaced the nice one he lost.

But this treasure combined with João's H&M jacket didn't satisfy them enough to let him go. So finally, he pulled out a bank card from a secret pouch in his wallet. They drove to the ATM, but it was an unsuccessful venture. In this country, you can't withdraw money from an ATM between 10 pm and 6am.

The situation frustrated the two guys more with every minute. They argued the entire time, which was a good sign, and created somewhat of a comedy routine. João refers to them as "Smartie" and "Dumbass." When Dumbass looked through a group of photos in the glove compartment, Smartie said, "Stop that. Those aren't yours."

Things went from bad to worse when they put João in the trunk. It was then that he got scared. He laid on some bricks and just waited. The thought of this makes my stomach turn with fear. I can't imagine being trapped in a car, with no one knowing where I am, and no idea of when or even if I would ever get out.

But eventually the trunk opened, and the men released him. The whole event lasted one hour. Strangely, they didn't take the car. Smartie actually helped João close his door before he drove away.

Moral of the story: If you're in Brazil, drive a crappy car.